


Thoughts Spiraled

by Leomund



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I Want To Believe, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, Spoilers episode 88, Widojest - Freeform, i dunno the words got away from me somehow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21804706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leomund/pseuds/Leomund
Summary: While Jester's thoughts swirl around Caleb, Caleb's thoughts are in a thousand places, only to finally find a focus...
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 7
Kudos: 68





	1. When I can't sleep, I think of you

**Author's Note:**

> I only recently discovered the Widojest discord server and everyone there is so nice, so this is for all of those lovely people. 
> 
> I want to add more to this, but the way it ended just felt too perfect to keep going for now. If something strikes me, I might add to it after subsequent episodes. I wanted to make it as canon-compliant as I could,

To say the day had been long would be an understatement. 

Tucked into the opulent yet unfamiliar rooms of the Camaruth Cottage, Jester pulled herself out from beneath the sheets next to Beau, her sleep perturbed by what the group had learned, and their brush with death not even two days prior, but most of all, by her worry for Caleb. 

Beau was in a deep sleep, drooling and snoring as usual, and stepped carefully over Yasha, sleeping on the floor. Jester took time to examine Yasha’s face, and her heart lifted a bit at seeing the aasimar’s face making a peaceful expression. Jester had worried that the last few months would take their toll on Yasha, and they likely were, but at the very least, there was a peaceful night’s rest to be found for her. 

Jester tip-toed over to her bag and pulled out her journal. Not wishing to wake her friends by lighting the magic lamp, she very carefully opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, closing the door with only a slight click making a sound. What time is it? Caleb would know…

The thought made Jester’s heart throb a bit in her chest, but also made her a bit ill. She, like the rest of the Mighty Nein, had come to rely on Caleb’s sharp memory, as well as his talent for the arcane. But Jester knew that having such a good memory must have an enormous cost for the ginger wizard. In the end, Jester stopped outside of Caleb and Nott’s door, but upon hearing Nott snoring as loudly as Beau was, elected not to disturb them and let them try to rest. 

Instead, Jester headed down to the tavern. The chef was gone, so there were no pastries to be had, but she wasn’t too put off by that. Her intention was to draw and write and maybe talk to The Traveler, so pastries could wait until morning. She pulled her green cloak (the only piece of her old outfit she wore frequently) over her head to give herself a mysterious vibe and to maybe entice anyone who came in to seek out the Traveler’s infinite wisdom. And she began to draw. 

She drew whenever she felt lonely, or sad, or worried. It was almost magical how, even though she did it all the time, just seeing the picture come together made her heart sing, and helped her to forget her worries. When she was a child, before the Traveler made himself known to her, drawing was her greatest indulgence, something that not even her Mama’s busy schedule or the constant traffic of the Lavish Chateau could take away from her. 

Today, she settled on drawing Caleb, her thoughts seeming to spiral around him like a whirlpool, unable to escape. He had been through so much in the last two days. They all had, clearly, but seeing the Sanitarium he had been held in, seeing Trent Ikithon, meeting his old friend…

“11 years…” he had said, so sadly that it broke Jester’s heart. That was nearly half of Jester’s life! How could someone so caring, so smart, be put in a place like that… Jester sighed as she started to sketch out the dangling strands of Caleb’s hair hanging in front of his face as he sat down to read. I don’t like seeing Caleb this way.. She allowed herself to think for a moment, and briefly hated herself for it. 

Of course he’s going to be this way! After seeing Icky-thon he was shaking… Jester wished that there was something she could do for him. Something to bring out the smile she had grown so accustomed to seeing on his good days. She momentarily entertained the notion that his good days happened to coincide when the two of them got to spend more time together, when she would take the time to prank someone or when she teased him with more innuendo than he could handle. 

But there wasn’t anything she could think of to lift him out of the mood he had found himself in. It was one thing to distract him with little jokes and pranks, but all of this was far too serious for Jester to even consider something so…

Childish.

She felt a pang in her chest. Did Caleb think her childish? She often found his eyes to be caring, to enjoy their time together so genuinely, but now she couldn’t seem to escape the thought that he was just humoring her. Just playing along like he did with Luc. It was at this point that she noticed she had stopped drawing.

You’re being selfish, Lavorre. She chided herself. After all, with everything he was going through, how could she be so caught up in how he might think of her? Regardless of how he thought of her, she….

How do I feel about Caleb?

Once the guilty sickness left her stomach, she was stuck on that question for a while, her pencil now moving again, sketching in the little details of his new (much nicer) coat flowing in the wind. Her thoughts kind of spiraled. Clearly, she cared about him, very deeply. He was always kind to her, and he was the first of the party to take her seriously about the Traveler. When they were out at sea, Caleb was the one to comfort her, which she never saw coming. 

Her feelings for Fjord had subsided long ago. She knew that, it was nothing new. She still loved him dearly, but the whirlwind romance she had fantasized for wound up not being on his radar in the slightest, and the more time went on, the less she cared. Like her dream was being slowly replaced with a more muted reality. Not a bad one, just...nothing like the books her Mama would bring her. 

She half expected Nott, or Caduceus, or even Beau to be the one to talk to her. To comfort her when she had doubts. But more and more often, it seemed to be Caleb. And in return, Caleb started to open up to her more, too. After the encounter with the Scourger (Vall-struker?) in Roshona, her first thought was to reach out to him. To hold his hands in hers and tell him to talk to her. 

They hadn’t had much time to talk lately. That made Jester sad, but she understood. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, except maybe Oban’s, and they totally killed him, so it was kind of a moot point. Still, Jester wished she could just talk to Caleb, just the two of them, just for a minute…

“Hey Traveler, if you’re not too busy, I need some advice,” she said in almost a whisper, sitting by herself in the corner of the tavern. 

She felt the comforting brushing of cloak against cloak as he appeared to her. The way he always showed up just after a blink or when she turned away made her so happy, because it meant he really was always right there. “I have some things to take care of before our gathering, my dear. But I can always make time for you.”

Jester giggled, her worries and stress pushed away for the briefest of moments. “I want to help someone smile. Someone really sad.”

The Traveler looked her over. Although she never saw his eyes, she could always feel his gaze. When it reached her journal, and her half-finished drawing of Caleb, she had to resist the urge to pull it away as she felt her cheeks flush a little bit. “I see. Well, you and I are excellent at helping people to find their smile, aren’t we?”

Jester smiled again, but slightly shook her head. “No, but like, I can’t do it the way I usually do, I don’t think. This sadness...it’s really deep. Do you know what helps deep sadness like that?”

The Traveler had a slightly ponderous look to him, putting his hand to his lips in thought. “Well I definitely know how it feels to be sad deep down. Just like you do. Let me ask you, darling. How do you feel about this man?”

Jester’s cheeks flushed a bit as she instinctively brought her arms together in front of her, squeezing her form in a slight embarrassment. As she pondered why she was reacting the way she was, it finally hit her. 

Oh.

The Traveler chuckled a bit. “My dear, you’re going to make me a bit jealous,” he said, in that smooth, sarcastic voice that never failed to make Jester laugh. And laugh she did.

“No, but I mean, like, it shouldn’t be about my feelings. I want his bad feelings to go away, too.” My feelings can wait until later, she thought to herself, the notion uncomfortably familiar to her. 

“My dear, you wanting to help him is your feelings. Your care for him, your desire to see him happy, that all comes from you. It’s alright to focus on your own feelings, especially if you want to help someone else. In fact, maybe there’s something that only someone who feels as strongly as you do can do…”  
Jester pondered The Traveler’s words for a moment, and smiled as she felt a flush run across her cheeks again. “Thank you, Traveler. I’m so happy you could make time to come and see me.”

The Traveler gave a soft smile. “My dear, I always see you. The Divine Gate itself would not separate my gaze from you. But for now, I must be off. It seems we both have something to do…” 

As Jester turned in surprise to ask what he meant, he was gone, just as quickly as he had come. In that turn, however, she saw someone through the archway leading from the entrance to the tavern. A flash of bright red hair poorly hidden under a cloak heading down the stairs and out the door. Before she could even think, she had thrown her journal into her bag and took off after him.


	2. When my thoughts wander, you ground me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb finds himself wandering, and needs a guide back home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is brought to you in part by me, because I made this.

Caleb had memories of the Harvest’s Rise festival with his parents. 

Harvest time was important for farmers, and it was one of the few times per year that they left their small town and went to the city. They had little money, and so rarely took part in festivities. Neither food nor activities were why Caleb treasured those memories, though. It was the sight of the tall, opulent buildings that captured a young Bren’s imagination. Seeing students from the Academy walk around, their spell books gleaming in their hands. 

Later on, he never attended the festival with Astrid and Wulf. They were far too busy proving themselves to be worth the investment as country bumpkins, and later, enduring the ruthless teachings of Master Ikithon. 

He sometimes loathed his own memory, for as much as it saved his skin. The slightest stimuli would take him back to his darkest moments. Any memory of his mother and father sent him back to that night, to relive the heat on his face and screams in his ears all over again. Any memory of Astrid brought back memories of Ikithon’s torturous tutelage. And yet, here I am going to see her..

It was 2:03 AM, and the moons hung high in the sky, only just beginning their descent. The streets of Rexxentrum were barely populated at all, the only gazes coming his way those of the street guards. This time, he looked much less like a beggar. Although, he also wouldn’t be surprised if the appearances of the entire Mighty Nein were circulated to the guards. After all, Ikithon loved to keep him on his toes…

He marched into the Shimmer Ward and instantly felt many more eyes on him than before. Which made sense, as it housed the Empire’s best and brightest. The closer he drew to the school, the more familiar the streets got. Although he basically never went out shopping, during his later school years, he would sometimes accompany Astrid and Wulf on their own errands. 

Wulf..

The name stung in his mind all the more after seeing him. Same brawny build, but a newer, colder expression. Stoic, and self assured. Even after all they had done together. Even after what they did together. 

Caleb tried his best to shrug off the thought. He rounded a corner and in front of him was his objective. 31 Wodestone Manor. Undoubtedly a part of Ikithon’s compound of homes he kept for his operatives. His favored students. 

This might have been mine..

He had intended to only do a quick scout. Make sure she was home before showing up in the middle of the day. But as he realized what may lie behind the door, the soft glow of the lantern in the bedroom window called to him, like a moth to a literal flame. His mind went almost blank as his steps took him closer and closer to the front door. He imagined crossing the threshold, seeing Astrid again…

His thoughts returned to Jester, as they often did these days. The dance they shared, in which he drunkenly mentioned his old flame, a memory that even now brought heat to his face in shame. All she had wanted was a dance, and through his idiocy, she had been saddled with his baggage and now her mother was another potential tool to add to Ikithon’s repertoire. 

Caleb stood outside the door. Even for someone with as keen a mind as his, time seemed immaterial. Had it been seconds or hours? He was in a haze. Almost as if looking into the Luxon itself, thousands of possibilities ran through his mind. 

“Caleb?”

He heard a whisper from behind. At first, he thought it simply his imagination. He often imagined Jester, the sing-songy way she said his new name, when he needed comfort. And right now, though he didn’t deserve it, he knew that all he wanted was her hand around his, like the day in Roshona. 

He was finally shaken from his stupor as he felt the cold chill of her skin wrap around his hand. “Caleb? What are you doing out here this late? Why aren’t you resting?” The hand pulled him around and he came face to face with her concerned expression. 

“Jester…” Oh, Jester… He briefly wondered if this was some gift from the Traveler. Whether designed to comfort him as he went through this or to reaffirm that this was as stupid an idea as he knew it to be, he didn’t care. He was truly happy to see her. “I...could ask you the same thing. Did you follow me?”

“Well, yeah,” she said, making it seem obvious that she would, as she pulled him away from the doorstep; just enough to ensure their conversation would not attract the attention of the resident. “I was drawing in the tavern so I wouldn’t wake up Beau and Yasha and I saw you walk out onto the streets alone so of course I had to come and make sure you were ok.” As he turned his face downwards, she bent herself to look up at him, her eyes full of wonder and concern. “Are you? Ok, I mean.” 

Caleb’s memory flashed again. This time, much more recent. After the meeting with Ikithon, the rest of the Nein naturally going over a thousand things in their head, but it was Jester who immediately inquired after his well being. It was those things that she did, probably without recognizing it herself, that drew his thoughts to her time and time again. She is a good..

Friend.

The word ached in Caleb’s heart. He knew it would never be more than that. That there were far better partners worthy of a heart as big as Jester’s. And besides, he had many goals to accomplish. Goals that meant his life with her would eventually be forgotten. Nonexistant. If he could accomplish them. 

“Ah...nein. No..” Even still, Caleb couldn’t bring himself to lie outright to Jester when she gave him this look. But he would still dance around the truth sometimes. Just like Ikithon. “I, ah...I couldn’t sleep, and I started walking and sort of wound up here…”

Jester shot a disapproving and discerning look that made Caleb internally kick himself. “So, like, you just happened to go for a walk, and just happened to wind up outside of Astrid’s door, and just happened to be about to knock on her door in the middle of the night.” Jester rolled her eyes. “I have a pretty good memory, too, Caleb. Not as good as yours, but I know the address. What were you hoping for, exactly?”

Caleb flushed a bit, grateful for only the scantest amount of moonlight that hid his expression. Grateful that her darkvision left her colorblind in such a low light. “I don’t know...not exactly. I just…”

Jester interrupted as she started to walk him back down the street. “I get it, Caleb, you’re back in town and you just wanted to hit up your ex for a booty call. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, but girls don’t like it when you start with that, you know. If you showed up at this hour, she’s going to assume you just wanted to bone her. And even if you do, which is fine, you should at least talk to her during the day or-”

“Nein, Blueberry. It wasn’t for a booty call, as you put it.” Caleb felt more and more heat rise from his chest, but gave in to Jester walking him away. “I, ah...haven’t felt that way about her in a long time. I still think of her fondly but, after seeing Wulf today..” Caleb went silent. 

Jester squeezed his hand, prompting Caleb to realize she had been holding his hand this entire time. “Today was hard for you, wasn’t it? And it wound up being all about the beacon and the peace talks and blah blah blah but it’s ok for you to feel sad, you know? You can’t save the world at the cost of yourself.” 

Caleb let himself have a slight smile. “I think people do that a lot, actually.” He paused and took a breath, stifling a tear. “But, ja, it was hard, today…”

Jester pulled him into a side hug as they kept walking. Strangely enough, he never felt anyone’s gaze but Jester’s when she would walk with him like this. The guards and passersby seemed to fall away into fog when he talked with her like this. His heart ached again. 

“Well, then I don’t think you need to punish yourself by making it harder. At least not right now. I think you need to let a certain blue tiefling talk to you and make you feel safe.” She leaned in and whispered, causing Caleb’s ears to flush again. “And I was serious, you know. If you want to, we can just chop up Ikithon into tiny pieces and leave him in the Oban goop, if you want.”

Caleb knew she was joking, but that the sentiment was serious, and that made him smile again in spite of himself. “Well I am fairly sure that the Oban goop has been cleaned up by now. But still, thank you Jester.” 

Jester swung around in front of him and wrapped her arms around him, nearly squeezing the life out of him. “You don’t need to shoulder everything yourself, Caleb. You know we’re all here for you,” and then, quieter, “You know I’m here for you.” 

Caleb’s heart throbbed in his chest as he let himself, for the shortest moment, fantasize about what that could mean. Fantasize about a future together. About leaving the whole empire behind and exploring the world with this hurricane of a woman. She would spread the word of The Traveler and he would keep her safe, she could draw and he would read and they would share moments in his Tiny Hut..

Nein.

“Scheisse, Jester, you are going to break me in half.” He knew it would never be, so he deflected. A skill he had become quite proficient in. Jester loosened her grip as she turned up a smile at him. The smile he knew she wore when she was faking it. She wants to comfort you. What in the Nine Hells are you doing pushing her away, Widogast?

“Well, tough titties!” She nearly shouted as she pulled him into another tight hug. “My Mama always said that hugs are important. That physical contact is important to make people happy. And I want you to be happy, Caleb.”

He had no response for that, so he let the hug go on, and lightly wrapped his arms around her, prompting a much more genuine smile. She broke apart and held onto his hand and started walking him back to the inn. 

“Well, if you can’t sleep, maybe you can do some reading with me in the tavern. I was drawing you earlier, and it would be much better if I could look at you while you read.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end, for now at least. I may or may not return to it after new episodes or if I can think of something spectacular. I hope you enjoy!


	3. For the first time, I feel at home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quiet moment, alone in a tavern with one another

Jester looked over the wizard’s stern expression with delight and focus. He was reading a book he had already read, but it still amazed her how well he could just sink into a book at the drop of a hat. I really should get him some more books to read…

She had managed to get him back to the inn, sharing the odd joke on the way through the Shimmer Ward back to the Camaruth Cottage, but he barely talked. He must be deep in thought about something…

She sketched in some more details, and the more she looked at him, the more she seemed to find. The faintest hint of scarring on his face from battles they had fought, the deep set eyes he had that made him seem even more sleep deprived than he already was. Looking at these details made her sad, but with her new revelations, it also made her heart soar. Like she was better understanding what he went through without having to push him to speak. 

After a little bit of time, he switched books, trading the light reading for some arcane study. It seemed he might be transcribing a new spell, but Jester had no knowledge of such things, so she broke the silence in the tavern. “What is it you’re working on right now?”

Caleb spoke without looking up. “Well, I bought that amber from the creepy lady, _ja_?” 

Jester nodded. “Well I think she was pretty cool, personally, but I remember.”

Caleb had a faint smile as he began to explain. He always had such an excited expression when he began talking about his spellcrafting work. He had explained briefly before that all wizards use their own notation, so Caleb talking about his process always felt intimate and personal. Jester figured that he probably only told her because he knew that she wouldn’t be able to use the knowledge, but that small amount of trust in her made her happy all the same. 

“I am working on a new spell. Well, new for me. It will shoot out a bolt of lightning that will branch from enemy to enemy. It’s very potent.” 

Jester gasped a little. “That’s so cool, Caleb! It seems like you’re becoming really powerful.”

Caleb blushed a little and looked down. “Well, I am getting there, _ja._ ”

Jester looked over his shoulder to look at the intricate designs of the spellcraft. All geometric symbols that she could barely understand. “Well, The Traveler gave me a new spell pretty recently, too. It’s gonna be totally cool and awesome, and it’ll be super duper helpful!”

Caleb looked up from his book inquisitively. “Well, don’t keep me in suspense. Tell me about it. This is why you purchased that expensive bowl, _ja?_ ”

Jester looked down to her holy symbol to hide her blushing face. Caleb always took her seriously, and would go along with her jokes, and just having him talk to her like this made her feel so validated. So seen. 

“Well, it’s kind of expensive, but it will basically make a big gigantic meal full of tons of pastries and delicious things that will empower us for a whole day.”

Caleb nodded along, now turned towards her and locking eyes with her as he engaged her. _Oh, don’t look at me like that, Caleb. My heart…_

“Well it sounds pretty cool. Much more supportive than some of the other spells you sometimes use.”

Jester puffed out her cheeks in a mock embarrassment. “I’ll have you know that i’m a really great healer and I support the whole team all the time, you know!”

Caleb, in a rare moment of teasing, leaned forward a bit. “Oh, so all of those attempted Inflict Wounds were in support?”

Jester blushed a bit. Caleb had too good of a memory. He always remembered the names of her spells and always paid extra attention to her in battle. “There’s more than one way to support the team, you know.”

Caleb broke into a slight laugh, and Jester followed along. She was happy. This was the kind of moment she had been pining for over the last several days. Pretty much since they got out of the Happy Fun Ball had been a constant sprint, and she missed out on these more tender, slower moments. It felt good to talk to Caleb like this. He seems to be feeling better…

Caleb looked back to his spellbook and continued working, so Jester continued her drawing. When he had this excited smile, she was equally excited to draw him. His interest and focus seemed to lift some of the burdens off of his face, and he looked a bit younger. 

Jester wondered if this is what Caleb used to look like when he was in school. She knew his family was poor, so he must have worked really hard to make it in a place like Rexxentrum. At the thought of his youth, now knowing how much of it was stolen away, Jester let out a sigh. 

“What is it, Blueberry?”

Jester swore at herself in her head for letting the sigh escape. “Oh, it’s nothing. Just thinking.”

Caleb closed his book, something he rarely ever did when he was engrossed in it. “You know, I am not as good as Caduceus when it comes to telling if someone is lying, but i’m not bad at it either. You helped me a lot tonight. So tell me what’s on your mind.”

Jester felt her heart flutter at Caleb’s concern. “Well, I just kind of had a thought, you know, of like, was this what you were like at school?” She revealed her drawing, nearly completed, and Caleb looked it over, showing the most minute amount of shock at his expression. “And then I thought, ‘Oh, but what about all the Icky-thon stuff’ and I thought maybe thinking about school might have made you sad so I didn’t wanna bring it up but you asked sooo..”

Caleb audibly paused. He looked up from the drawing into Jester’s eyes, a sad smile on his face. “It’s ok, Jester. You can ask me about that. If it was Beau I might not want to talk about it but with you…”

_With me?_ Jester’s mind started racing and her heart pounded. What did it mean that Caleb wanted to confide in her like this? 

Caleb began, speaking slow and measured. “So, _ja_ , thinking about school makes me sad sometimes. But there were happy moments too.” He points to the drawing. “Studying always excited me. Seeing my skills grow and learning new things. I was a good student.”

Jester’s heart slowed as she listened, becoming far more concerned with Caleb’s expression than her own newly found affection. “Well you’re still a really good student, and you’re really powerful now. You nearly cleared out the Cathedral by yourself.” 

Caleb chuckled, his expression still mired in sadness. “Well, just the small fries.”

Jester leaned in a little bit. “Well, you also totally fried the Laughing Hand. The way it left that like soot statue was super cool. And you caused that big distraction at the beginning that let us all sneak in.”

Caleb nodded, but his eyes betrayed that his thoughts started to float away from her. Back into his all too vivid memories. 

This, for whatever reason, emboldened Jester. She reached out and touched his face, drawing his gaze back to her. “You know, I never met a wizard before I met you. I mean, i’m sure some of my Mama’s clients were wizards, but I didn’t know for sure, you know.” She stroked his cheek with her thumb, causing them both to flush a little more red. “So as far as I can tell, you’re the best wizard in the whole world.”

Caleb shook his head, still being almost held in place by the firm but tender hand of the cleric. “Well you have met Essik, who is still much more skilled than I am. And the members of the Assembly, who even now surpass me.” 

“Well, Essik doesn’t count because he’s like 200 or some crazy number cuz elves live a super long time.” He tried to break eye contact, but Jester forced his gaze to lock on hers, unwittingly sending shivers down her spine in the best way. “And the Assembly doesn’t count either because I haven’t seen them do anything super crazy and anyways you’re so much nicer than all of them anyways. Essik doesn’t take me seriously, and I'm pretty sure that all those stuffy dudes at the Assembly think they’re better than everyone anyways.”

Caleb let up some of the sadness from his smile. “You are far too kind to me, you know that?”

Jester shook her head, then fixed her gaze back on the whirlpool eyes that were starting to transfix her. “I think I am just the right amount of kind to you, Caleb. You’re always there for me, even when we’re not fighting for our lives. Like when you talked to me in Darktow, or how, even though you were having a hard day, you made me feel good after Essik talked shit about me.” She let herself scoff. “Are all other wizards so cocky?”

Caleb laughed a bit. “Well, it is a running theme, it seems.”

Jester noticed how close the two of them were, but held her ground, her heart pounding so loud they could probably both hear it. “But you’re not like that, Caleb. You’re sweet, and caring, and you spend so much of your time looking out for us instead of just studying in some stuffy tower. I think that you’ll definitely surpass all of them. Is that your goal?”

Caleb’s expression stiffened a bit. “Ah...not quite, no. But sort of. I want to learn more. I think if I become powerful enough, I can…” Caleb’s voice trailed off as he finally looked away from Jester. 

“You can tell me Caleb. I promise I won’t be mad. Unless you want to, like, become a lich and kill a whole bunch of people just to make yourself live longer. I might not like that so much.” 

Caleb chuckled, his gaze still cast downwards. “No, _liebling_ , I don’t want to be a lich. I, ah...I want to fix some of my mistakes.” 

A vague answer if I’ve ever heard one…

“Well, I don’t know that you can fix mistakes once they’re made, you know. And I think that if you spend so much time trying to fix mistakes, you miss out on learning from them. Like, one time I set up this big elaborate prank for one of the dudes in the Lavish Chateau, and then I pulled it at the wrong time and he didn’t even notice, Caleb. So I learned that sometimes a light touch is a bit better.”

Caleb’s gaze finally met her again and Traveler, help me, his face is so close. “Thank you, Jester.” He smiled, making Jester’s heart pound even faster, if that was even possible. 

“You can talk to me about anything, you know. You always let me talk about whatever stupid shit I have going on in my head, it would be the least I could do to return the favor.”

Caleb scoffed, placing a hand over hers, the calloused and slightly burnt fingertips tracing over her fingers in such a tender way that his hand didn’t feel rough at all. “I don’t think you have any stupid shit in your head at all, Jester Lavorre.” He took her hand off of his face and lightly gave it a kiss. “Your mind is filled with such a light it would drive a normal man blind.”

Jester tried her hardest to keep a cool and collected expression even though the inside of her head was now going a thousand miles per second. _Omigosh, he kissed my hand, this is just like that one scene in Tusk Love, and gods has he always smelled this good and-_

Her face betrayed how flustered she had become, prompting Caleb to pull away. “Apologies, perhaps I overstepped.” He looked down towards his book. 

All at once, Jester’s impossibly fast train of thought halted, and her brow furrowed. “No, no. Caleb…” She took his hand in hers. “I like when you’re tender like that. You didn’t overstep.” She leaned down, emboldened by her mission to make some of his seriousness fall away, and kissed his hand. “See? Now we’re even.” She shot a big, toothy grin at him. 

Caleb looked...confused and flustered, his eyes darting from Jester’s face to her lips to his hand and back and forth. Jester loved to tease him like this, and noticed his face started to flush a bright red. But is it even teasing anymore if they both seem to like it so much?

Jester pulled Caleb into a hug. “You need to stop worrying about overstepping with everyone. I don’t know if you worry about it because you’re afraid of what they’ll think or if you don’t trust yourself. But the worst thing that’s going to happen is that someone tells you that it was a little too much, and I get told that all the time, so don’t worry about it so much.” She paused, his face now resting on her shoulder. “Especially with me,” she said in such a soft whisper that she wondered if he heard it.

Caleb pulled away from the hug quickly, but locked gaze with her once more, sitting in silence as he pondered her words. “Then...perhaps... _Scheisse_ , forgive me..” And in a flash, he pushed forward and pressed his lips to hers. 

The kiss was light, and soft, but it seemed to last an eternity. There was no room for Jester to think what she would ordinarily think in these kinds of moments. No _‘What does this mean?_ or anything of the sort. She let instinct take over and pushed her lips into Caleb’s, and for the briefest moment, the two of them sat in the corner of the tavern, completely enraptured by one another’s presence. 

The kiss only lasted a moment, but Jester remembered every detail. The soft push and pull of his lips as they briefly parted, their breathing getting ever so slightly more heated, and the feel of Caleb’s hands wrapping around her waist as they moved closer together. 

Then, almost as suddenly as it started, Caleb pulled away, looking surprised at himself, his face matching the color of his hair. Jester just sat in the afterglow, grinning from ear to ear, her face similarly blushed, turning her skin a deep purple. 

“I..should not have done that. Forgive me, _liebling_ ,” Caleb said as he tried to stand up to leave. Jester reached out and grabbed his coat, her eyes full of longing, prompting him to sit back down. 

“Caleb...I had no idea…” She said, examining the expression on his face, reading both regret and hope in it. “I didn’t...I mean…” She stammered a bit, then sunk her face as heat as hot as a fire ran through her body. “I liked it…”

Caleb said nothing, but put his hand on her shoulder, prompting her to practically hurl herself into his chest, still hiding her face. The two of them sat in silence for a long while, the only sound being that of the occasional squeak of the boards of the tavern as the building settled. They were alone. But alone together. 

After a few minutes to settle themselves, Jester looked up at Caleb’s face, her expression full of hope and desire. “Caleb, do you...I mean...me?”

Caleb had a sorrowful expression, and nodded slowly. “For a few months now, _ja._ ”

_For a few months! Why didn’t he say anything?_ Jester attempted to quiet her inner monologue as Caleb spoke again. 

“I...I do not think I deserve your affection. There are so many people who could have your hand, make you happier-”

In a flash, Jester pulled on his shirt to bring him into another quick kiss. “Caleb. Stop. Stop talking about yourself like that.”

Caleb looked absolutely perplexed, but only nodded, giving a soft “Ok..”

Jester cleared her throat and stifled tears of joy as she spoke. “I didn’t realize until today, but I think I've felt this way about you for a while now, too. You’re always on my mind.”

Caleb let out a choked sob, smiling his sad smile like he usually did. “And you are always on mine, liebling.” 

Jester chuckled, letting just a few tears out as she kissed him again, settling into his chest while looking up into his eyes. “You call me that sometimes. What does it mean?”

“It’s a...term of endearment. It more or less means darling.” 

Darling.

The word made Jester’s head spin, and she couldn’t resist leaning up to kiss the bottom of his jaw. She dropped back down and settled into his lap. Sitting across chairs like this would have been far less comfortable with anyone else, but with Caleb, she just enjoyed the closeness. 

“So, like, what does this mean? Are we going to go out on dates? Are we going to tell everyone? Are you gonna, like, go and seek out my Mama’s permission-”

Caleb put a finger to her lips, prompting her to be silent, but also to sneak in a little kiss to the tip of his finger. He flushed and began speaking. “Let’s take it one thing at a time, perhaps. I don’t know if we should tell the others right away.” Jester made a sad face, but Caleb started explaining. “It is just that this is new, ja? Better to not get their hopes up if things don’t work out.”

“Well, I don’t think we have to worry about that because i’m great and clearly you’re great, but go on.” Even as he explained his reasoning, she couldn’t help but want to go and gush to Beau and Nott. Still, she liked listening to him speak. 

“So, secondly, I...think going on a date would be nice. I have not been on very many before, but I would like to.” 

Jester gave a cheeky smile. “Oh, no sexy dates with Astrid, huh? No hooking up in an alley on the way back from dinner or-”

“Gods, Jester.” He smiled, stifling a laugh. “No, we were students. Our focus was our studies and, well..” His voice trailed off as he vanished again into his memories. 

Jester spoke up to break him out of the cycle of thoughts he found himself in. “Ok, ok, so dating is on the table. That makes me happy.”

Caleb shook himself out of a stupor, and returned to smiling back down at her. “If you will have me, I will gladly take you.” 

Jester felt bold and seen, so she leaned up and whispered. “Well you already have me, so it’s natural that I should have you, ja?”

Jester saw a shudder run through Caleb that made her want to squeal in delight. It made her happy to know she could still manage to tease him. “Ja, well, ok...so in regards to your mother..”

“Oh, Caleb, I was just teasing you. We don’t have to-”

“I want to make my intentions clear to her, so I would like to take a quick trip to Nicodranas as soon as possible.”

Jester’s heart nearly stopped in her chest. “Caleb…” she said softly as she nuzzled his chest again. “Well, what are your intentions?”

Caleb lifted Jester from her place and made her face him directly, holding both of her hands in his. “Jester. Since the day we met, you have made me want to be a better man. My intention is to try every day to be a man deserving of your affection. To care for you and keep you safe. To…” he paused, Jester seeing palpable pain in his eyes. “To tell you everything. Absolutely everything. If you will hear it.” 

Jester was at a loss for words. She knew this was serious, and that she should say something back, but it was hard not to just throw herself at him and kiss him again. “Caleb…” she started speaking, not fully knowing where it was going. “You are already so kind, and brave, and caring. You are the person I think most of in the world. You fill my heart with so much wonder and joy. I have loved seeing you grow with this group. Seeing you accept us as your friends. Your family.” She leaned forward, her lips only barely separated from his. “And I love the person you are. I love you, Caleb Widogast.”

Caleb swallowed and let a few more tears stream down his face. “And I love you, Jester Lavorre.” He closed the distance, wrapping both his hands around her back and pulling her into a deeper kiss than before. She melted from the heat and passion, only just finding enough strength in her legs to find her way out of her seat and into Caleb’s lap. 

There they sat, kissing and holding one another for a short while. Jester wanted to hear more about what was in his mind. What he meant when he said that he would tell her everything. But all of that would come with time. For the moment, perhaps for the first moment in her life, Jester felt truly wanted and loved by someone other than her mother. And this came from a choice. Caleb chose her. And if she had a thousand lifetimes, Jester felt assured that she would choose this man time and time again. 

~~~

Caleb started to rework his plans the instant Jester returned his feelings. Jester had that quality. The propensity for causing others to throw out potentially years of work in an instant. But it didn’t feel at all like a loss. It felt more like he gained something. Something he had been missing all these years since he left the Academy. 

A home. And he felt more at home in her arms than ever before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welllllll this happened. Shout out to lanie and Kiley on discord who did sprints with me while I wrote this out. I kinda got sucked into a word hole and a bunch of stuff happened, so here it is! I like to write stuff to be as canon as possible, so I doubt i'll continue this one unless there's a big twist in the next episode or two. I hope you have enjoyed my return to the world of fan fic. Maybe I'll revisit some of my other works now...


End file.
